Mutual Love: 1 to 281,462,922,751 against
by DrifterDreams
Summary: Ford and Arthur... Takes place right after the second book where they are stranded on prehistoric Earth. They discover the probability of mutual love, and beat the odds. I do believe that 'slash' is the correct lingo here. And my apologies if it sounds at


_According to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, the chances of feeling the same exact way towards the same exact person who feels the same exact way about you at the exact same time is 1 to 281,462,922,751 against. If this fact was given to Arthur Dent prior to experiencing what he experienced, he would have never believed that this did in fact happen to him._

Arthur Dent was sitting upon a large rock contemplating what to do next. The 2 years prior had been even stranger than the time he witnessed the universe annihilating itself from within a fine restaurant, which eventually led to a paranoid android being launched into the sun on Hotblack Dinero's black stunt-ship; Arthur had managed to wind up on prehistoric Earth with his Betelgeusian friend Ford, explore what he had not realized was Earth until finding Slartibartfast's face carved into a glacier, and then sporadically parting ways with Ford to pursue--well, neither of them knew, but had hoped that they would find out what 'it' was when they found it.

"Well," Arthur said quietly to the tree, which he had aptly named 'Woody,'"I have decided what to do! Isn't it exciting? After I finish drinking this lovely tea you have prepared for me, I may just try going insane. That should help the next 30 years pass by with a nice colorful blur!"

Had the tree possessed a brain, or a soul for that matter, he would have been thinking, "terribly sorry, Arthur, but I'm afraid you've already lost your mind."

However, the tree had not yet formed what can definitively be called a brain as of yet, so Arthur was forced to believe that up until this moment he truly was sane.

"I tried insanity for a while back there, too. Things went well until I came home early one day from praying on top of the Appalachian mountains for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (mind you, it worked a few times; at least, I think it did... Either that or I was getting drunk off of rain water...) to find my then-love Todd-Squirrel in bed with a tree. I'm not insane anymore, though."

Ford smiled his infamous smile, that sent the rain/Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster droplets back into the clouds.

"Would your tree happen to be named Woody! Wa--wa--er... Wh-what are y-."

Arthur stopped and shook his head, hoping to regather his thoughts.

_Wow, I must really be desperate for human contact, _Arthur thought, _because for some reason, Ford looks undeniably attractive right now._

He closed his eyes and shook his head, ruffling his hair hoping to make it less messy, and failing.

"Ford... What ar--"

"I got tired of filling my mind with faux love and faux alcohol," Ford interrupted.

Arthur still hadn't figured out if this was a side-effect of the insanity, or if this was simply Ford's insanity. Either way, he found what Ford said to be almost as though he was hinting at something, but he then dismissed this thought to be the direct result of lack of human contact for so long.

"So you just come out of nowhere... after two years of--oh never mind, nice to see you."

Arthur felt as though the more he rambled, the harder it would be to keep from saying something he would regret.

Ford looked at the ground and kept himself from speaking by watching a pre-evolutionary form of a ladybug preying on a pre-evolutionary form of a caterpillar.

"Er," Arthur began, "shouldn't we be talking? I mean, we just spent two years simultaneously going insane on different continents. Shouldn't we be able to think of something to talk about?"

Ford smiled an extremely cute smile, or so Arthur could think of it as nothing other than 'cute,' unless the adjectives 'hot' or 'sexy' count. He figured they didn't, because he blamed these feelings on many sources, not including it's true source.

_Think manly thoughts,_ Arthur thought, letting his stray mind wander. However, this led Arthur to think of nothing other than Ford without a shirt.

"I would talk, but I doubt you would want to listen." Ford said, then lowering his smile and his eyes a bit, to about Arthur's chest level.

Arthur tried to think of Trillian. He tried to think of every girl he had ever shared what he thought to be a special moment back in England. He thought of every super-model he ever thought he loved. He thought of the videos him and his flat-mates would watch every Saturday night when they had no dates, which was often. He tried to combine every one of these thoughts into one thought, and nothing worked to get his mind off of what he was faced with at this precise moment.

Ford frowned.

"Arthur, do you remember back a long while ago, when I was still the out of work actor residing in England? After you saved my life from the car whom I was attempting to greet... You and I went to The Horse and Groom and got completely drunk...?" Ford's frown loosened a bit, but not enough for Arthur to stop thinking what he could do to make Ford feel better...

"Ford, there were many times like that. Please be more specific?"

"Well... As I recall correctly, we sat outside after they closed, sang a few songs to passerby's, and when the alcohol's effects went from affecting the motor skills to the loosening of common sense and what to keep from mentioning...?"

At this, Arthur became a tad tense. He remembered the night quite well, for reasons unknown, but it made him think too much for his own good. At once, he started to believe that perhaps these feelings were not just linked to two years loneliness, but perhaps this two years loneliness only amplified the feelings to a noticeable size.

"...A bit, yes." Arthur lied, blushing ever-so-slightly.

"Well, we talked a bit, a bit about feelings and the likes (which personally I don't much care for discussing), and we..." Ford began, beginning to blush.

Arthur stopped him from going any further (even though it was nothing more than a kiss with a little tongue), blushing himself a deep red at this point, by saying "Right right right..."

"Oh never mind. I need a nap."

For Arthur, this was not a very conclusive conclusion. However, he felt it best to not mention it, for fear of feelings being too obvious.

Instead, Arthur went to the larger of the two boulders, on which he would often sit and chat with the clouds, and layed himself down, allowing the events of the best twenty minutes to sweep out of his mind entirely.

_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy refers to dreams as a waste of one's sleeping hours, but also makes it clear that if you simply must waste your time with one, to be certain that when you wake up, you are certain that you have really woken up, so as to avoid embarrassment on the part of the one dreaming, or the one who didn't realize the person thought that they were dreaming. The Guide also notes that run-on sentences are preferred throughout the Galaxy opposed to the simplified people of Earth once used, before it was destroyed, probably secretly due to the Vogons' love for run-on sentences, and their hatred against those who opposed._

The moon shined brightly as Arthur awoke on a large rock on prehistoric Earth with Ford next to him on the same rock. Arthur examined his surroundings.

_Judging by the fact that I feel as though four hours ago, _Arthur thought, _I went from being alone to having sexual thoughts of my best friend, who showed up literally out of nowhere, I can safely say that this is not real._

Arthur assumed he would take advantage of this, though, being as how he never has dreams he can control.

After a few minutes deliberation, he decided that testing these alleged feelings for Ford would be more helpful than flying, although he decided that if he had extra time he simply must try the latter out.

He rolled over and faced Ford's half-open mouth, closed eyes and flared nostrils. His face was smooth with a little bit of stubble where it was a challenge to shave with a sharp rock.

"Well," Arthur whispered, "strange enough, but the feelings aren't gone yet... If anything, they're stronger than ever... Only one way to fix this!"

He leaned over and kissed Ford's dry lips. However, when he attempted to free himself of this ridiculous madness and fly over the prehistoric English countryside, he found that the will was simply not there to leave where he lay. Slowly he forced his tongue into Ford's now-open mouth, moving over his still tongue. With every swift movement of the tongue, Arthur found it harder and harder to pull himself away. This was now from a combination of a strong mental will to stay here in this dream, kissing Ford, and Ford slowly regaining consciousness and pulling Arthur on top of him as their tongues dive deeper and deeper into each other's mouths with every movement.

Ford paused for a moment to whisper into Arthur's ear, "I am honestly shocked."

This in particular made Arthur feel oddly as though he really did feel the warm breeze that came from Ford's mouth at this time, but he just dismissed it as a real-life warm summer breeze... Despite the fact that it was about 60 degrees Fahrenheit, and that Ford's breath was a good 85 degrees Fahrenheit.

Arthur, however, dismissed this and began sucking on Ford's readily available neck. With this, Ford began letting his hands wander all over Arthur's body; first over his clothes, then slowly working his hands underneath the clothing over Arthur's chest and back. With this, Arthur removed Ford's shirt and began kissing his exposed chest.

_Oh the confidence, _Arthur thought, _that you possess in dreams!_

Ford, amazed by Arthur's new-found confidence and shocking display of affection, grabbed Arthur by the shoulders, moved him up to eye level, kissed his soft, cheery lips and drew his body in close. With this, he turned Arthur over so that his bare back was against the cold stone beneath. Ford began slowly kissing Arthur's chest, moving down slowly, and removed his torn, stained, Earth-made pajama pants.

Arthur awoke early the next morning, stretching his arms above his head.

"Ah, another normal, average day on Earth... I only wish I had taken up flying last night! Oh well, as long as I'm insane, I think I can work something out."

He opened his eyes to a rising sun and to see that it wasn't just a draft he had been feeling; he was completely naked on the rock where he lay. At that point, he vowed not to look to the left of him. He did not, however, vow to look to the right of him. This was his first mistake, had he wanted to live a normal insane Earth life. Instead of simply walking fifty paces forward and up a tree, which coincidentally held a time portal that would have taken him right back to the 1980's on Earth, where he could have met a delightfully annoying version of himself with a mullet, he looked to the right of him.

After that, he closed his eyes, checked again, and expected a different result. Ford was lying on his back, the sight of certain things made Arthur feel extremely happy inside, clutching Arthur's pants with a grin on his sleeping face.

"Ford..." Arthur said, shaking Ford furiously, "...what happened last night? Please tell me a Vogon fleet came back in time simply to disrobe us and give you my pants..."

Ford looked at Arthur with a look of disappointment.

"You weren't drunk... I know this because I wasn't drunk, and if I'm not drunk there is no possible way that you are..."

Arthur stared at Ford with a slightly shocked expression.

"Ford...?"

Now Ford's face showed genuine sadness.

"Please... Ford... Tell me that I was dreaming."

"Well, it felt like a dream to me!" Ford smiled a half-smile that most beings use to imply the words "whoops, did _I_ do that?"

Arthur gave Ford the most painful look Ford could ever imagine; a look which Ford saw as Arthur saying "whoops, I didn't mean to..."

With this, however, Arthur saw the pain in Ford's face and could not allow himself to worry Ford... To hurt him like that. He realized that his feelings for Ford outweighed his self-consciousness; Ford's feelings showed Arthur that he felt the same way, which Arthur realized was all he wanted. After all, finding love on practically uninhabited prehistoric Earth was hard enough, so why not try it out with someone you genuinely like?

_Hm,_ Arthur theorized, _if Martin were here, he would have most certainly slapped me for ever having such affectionate thoughts._

Arthur drew himself away from his mind, and began to speak so as not to think too far into things.

He smiled at Ford as he lay himself on top of him.

"Never mind," Arthur said whilst kissing Ford.

At the same exact time, they both paused to look into each others eyes (after Ford expressed into Arthur's ear how he never expected it to turn out like this, et cetera. Arthur wouldn't admit until later, though, that he was barely paying attention to what Ford was saying) and say "I love you" in perfect unison.

At this precise time, however, right as Ford and Arthur were getting back to sliding their tongues around in each other's mouths and allowing the hands to roam as they pleased, Arthur's big toe hit the _Hitchhiker's Guide_ a few times; all three times, however, hitting the precise three menus to select in order to get to the page that tells the probability for what is called the _Complete Mutuality Idea_, which is where the fact was achieved that the chances of feeling the same exact way towards the same exact person who feels the same exact way about you at the exact same time is 1 to 281,462,922,751 against. The chances of this happening were so slim that math scholars from around the world have been employed (by whom, no one knows) to calculate this, and not one has been able to. However, the chances were even more improbable that at this precise time Zaphod would be dragging Trillian to a cheesy party in 1980's England in the Heart of Gold space ship, only to end up in a time rift that would lead them back to prehistoric Earth. To put the probability of this into terms more simple to understand, the improbability drive had turned the ship into a large plate of spaghetti, and had not changed back for a good five minutes.

Unfortunately for Arthur and Ford, despite the great improbability of this, it did indeed happen. This is unfortunate, because they did not realize what had happened until the ship turned back into a ship, and Zaphod and Trillian stepped out of the Heart of Gold only to see Ford on top of Arthur, passionately moving his tongue about in Arthur's mouth, followed by Ford lowering himself on Arthur, and then pleasuring him with his mouth. This was not a pleasant sight for Trillian or Zaphod, but it was lucky for Arthur that he had came before he realized they were there. The bad news, was that Trillian and Zaphod had to step out of the Heart of Gold only to discover that the two people they mysteriously hadn't seen in two years were lying naked upon a giant rock and pleasuring one another.

One question remains... Can Trillian and Zaphod accept this relationship? Or is it too freaking weird even for THEM?


End file.
